LOL is NOT an appropriate response

Is it just me or is LOL the most annoying response you can possibly receive when you go to all the effort of typing out a long, funny joke with all the appropriate punctuation? Or when you are genuinely trying to complain about something, and the other person is typing….typing…..typing….and finally you are gifted with LOL.

LOL may sound better than YMMS or TMMS (You/That Made Me Smile), but honestly, those are much better expressions. I for one rarely laugh out loud at something I read, and I have made it a point to try not to reply with a meaningless pacification for the writer’s ego. So instead of mindlessly LOLing, why not find a way of replying to something funny, like with YMMS or TMMS or if you are feeling adventurous, maybe even a “you are so funny”! If it isn’t asking too much.

Just to ensure that my English Nazi (that phrase made me smile while I was typing) side is balanced with some actual humour, I thought I would share some stuff that I wrote. Try and figure out why I would be so jobless, for lack of a better term. Use your imagination and go crazy with it, even though my reason was quite practical, why not have some fun with it?

Here it is, and theft of intellectual property is mean (and frowned upon everywhere), so keep that in mind.

Dear Guruji,

I am a 19-year old and I have started hearing Happy by Pharrell Williams every time I go to the bathroom. And then I feel really confused and don’t remember why I went to the restroom in the first place. What can I do to stop hearing the song? What medicine would you prescribe?

  -Confused

Dear Confused,

You need to drink four glasses of water every hour. Your problems will completely disappear. I guarantee it.

Dear Guruji,

I am an engineer, and with my extensive knowledge, I am quite sure that red lights at traffic signals are the way aliens are trying to contact me. I know they see me look at the lights, but I don’t know how to speak to them. Please tell me what I should do? Do you know what language they speak? I really want them to know I am open to interplanetary travel.

-Welcoming of Visitors

Dear Welcoming,

To communicate with inhabitants of other planets, I recommend making friends with those on this one. I am not an expert in such matters, but you can probably use Google to find some people who speak the language of the Visitors and can teach you.

Dear Guruji,

I have been experiencing a lot of back pain for the past few months, ever since I got this new bed at the magic store called the “Bed of spikes 2.0”. Do  you know what I can do to alleviate the pain?

-Sufferer

Dear Sufferer,

It might be advisable that you cover your bed with marshmallows, just to make sure that your pain has nothing to do with your bed. It is well known that bad posture can cause back problems, don’t blame your environment. Sit up straight.

Dear Guruji,

Last week I was hit by a bus and now no one talks to me and my family spends a lot of time crying. I tried to write them a letter but when they got it they looked at the envelope and cried some more. They also got angry, complained about the insensitivity of people, and then my brother burned the letter. Can you tell me why they are ignoring me? What did I do wrong?

-Nobody’s listening

Dear Nobody,

I strongly advise that you rattle chains, bang doors shut, throw things (especially breakable objects), and turn the air conditioner temperature lower, your family will definitely notice your presence and welcome you back with some ceremony or the other. Do not worry if they seem very frightened, people are often afraid of the good things that happen in life.

Well, did you LOL, or just smile, or am I not in the least bit funny? I guess I might have to reevaluate my position if many people actually laugh out loud. But that is something for another rare free hour.

html, Why are you so weird? Or is it me?

Learning about html made my mind crash along with the site I was using. I feel like this happens to me a lot. The site becomes non-responsive, or the download stops, or the internet suddenly stops working, essentially something happens that makes me wonder what I did. When my friend tried the exact same thing, lo and behold, the code worked and SHE didn’t make the site become non-responsive.

So, I can’t help wondering if it is just me? I get along with some aspects of technology really well, at other times, I fee like I am totally technologically challenged. On the other hand I know I am not, because I can pick up how to use things pretty fast. I guess I am just one of those people who can’t be good at everything, that’s okay,since it does not limit me from being spectacular at others.

 

 

Pedestrian vs. biker

Every time I ride my motorcycle through Bangalore I wonder at the absolute insanity of some of my fellow commuters.

For instance, I know that indicators were invented for a reason, but hundreds of other people really don’t seem to.  Even when they know that a simple push of a button to turn the indicator on could save a lot of trouble (and lives) people insist on swerving into your path like they don’t care if you crash into them. At least look in your mirrors before you do this, you uncouth monkeys! But even that is too difficult when you are riding far over what the speed limit and common sense dictate.

Everybody is always in a hurry, and drive/ride like they really don’t care what happens to other people on the road. And if they are riding slowly, they do it in the most annoying way possible, basically in the middle of the road or blocking any possibility of overtaking them. And that leads me to another point, these slow-movers rarely move to a side unless you make it sufficiently inconvenient for them to keep ignoring you, i.e. by creating a racket with your high-pitched horn.

The horn method also works on pedestrians who casually stroll without any sense of urgency while crossing the road, or those pedestrians that stand in the middle of the road admiring the sky or whatever, or even those pedestrians who insist on walking on the road when there is a perfectly good pavement built for their use.

Now, I must come to the other part of my rant, being a pedestrian in a world dominated by law-breaking riders who ride on the aforementioned pavements, who ride way too fast on small roads where there really is no pavement, who insist on installing really loud annoying horns, who have no mufflers so they roar and make the earth shake( this is a general complaint as a person who is easily disturbed by loud sounds, especially during the first couple of stages of the sleep cycle)!

This feels like a topic that could go on forever so I will stop myself before you think I am the most annoying person who ever ranted. 😛

To be an artist

Today I had one of those wake-up calls which happens when you forget how difficult an artist’s life can be and then there come four guys you have to interview for an article and they keep on mentioning this little detail. Somehow it plays into the conversation about their art. They talk about how this aspect of their art represents the hardships they face while going about this creative process and I just keep thinking to myself (I am such an idiot)!

Now you may very well wonder why I was berating myself, perhaps because I was not paying enough attention to what they were talking about? No. Because I felt bad for not really understanding what they meant? Warmer. I know, I know, “Because you felt guilty for not facing the same problems”!

Great, give that imaginary kid I created a cookie. I felt guilty for not  having faced these problems  to the extent they do, because I don’t worry about my style as an artist (like I even need to- it’s not like I am being creative in any way), because I don’t worry about supporting anyone financially (crap, it is the other way around!) and a number of other things.

This is irrational, even I know that, and yet I still felt this when I was confronted with it. Just so you know, I am not totally oblivious to these facets of life, it is only that there is a difference between sympathy and empathy, and I am pretty good at the former, but in this case especially, my empathy is not worth diddly-squat.

This brings me to another question I don’t really want to look at too closely right now, can my empathy really help anyone in any situation, or is it a limited super-power?

Conflicted about TV

Lately, watching TV makes me wonder why I like it so much. Is it because I finally wonder about why I find it so engrossing? Or maybe because reading has become a more serious activity? I suppose it is all a matter of personality, though psychology-naysayers would call this a nonsense opinion.

I hope that my TV watching will help me with other stuff that I face in life, like what not to do in certain situations, and it actually has in the past. Don’t get out of the car if you know an assassin is standing two feet away, hidden behind another car. By extension, try and drive a smaller car, less space for a person to hide in the back seat or behind. Definitely avoid all creepy, empty parking lots (i.e. in America, UK, etc.), but don’t worry, in India the lots are filled with way more people than it requires to maintain a working system of parking. I also know I should travel in a large group if I am going into a haunted house, or if I am getting creepy text messages. I know that one secret will inevitably lead to more and that first secret will be nothing compared to the ones that result from blackmail, etc. Always keep some sort of weapon at hand, even if it is just a pencil (Those things can poke an eye out!).

These are some of the more obvious things I learned from TV, then there is all the completely useless information that I can feel whirling around my head through the neural pathways. Every time I think of some plot line or other, I know that it is less likely I will forget it. If only the material handed out by educational institutions was as easy to recall! 

I keep revisiting this topic in my mind. I wonder if my brain is  becoming mushier every time I start to watch another series. Or by some scientific anomaly, am I able to watch everything I want without turning into the idiot we have all heard of. Now that would be a totally interesting plot line for a show. It isn’t like people have anything better to do. I mean there are more than 200 Indian reality shows that have actually had a large viewership, why not another pointless piece of entertainment that is meant to keep people completely unable to think for themselves?

Overheard at a play

Last week I went to a play that was quite ambitious-a musical remake of The Jungle Book, performed in three languages. There was also one acrobatic scene with a long piece of cloth and its manipulation, but I won’t get into that.

During the interval, this occurred, “Mamma, when will the movie start?”

‘Mamma’s’ response, “It’s not a movie.”

I turned around and sneaked a peek, the culprit was around four-years old and looking perplexed. I smiled.